


The First Day

by hope_s



Series: Heistwives Toybox [13]
Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biting, Bondage, Engaged Couple, Engagement, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gags, Heist Wives, Insecurity, Jealousy, Light Dom/sub, Lou POV, Misplaced Anger, Oral Sex, Post-Canon, Rope Bondage, Safeword Use, Self-Doubt, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:15:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23359870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hope_s/pseuds/hope_s
Summary: Last night, Debbie proposed. Lou is happy, but she worries that Debbie won't forgive her for past mistakes. She lashes out. Debbie has a suggestion for how to help Lou recover her control, but it doesn't go the way they plan.
Relationships: Lou Miller & Debbie Ocean, Lou Miller/Debbie Ocean
Series: Heistwives Toybox [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1583962
Comments: 18
Kudos: 42





	The First Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TumblrPrompts16_17_21](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=TumblrPrompts16_17_21).



> Thanks, Anons, for the prompts: bed restraints and a gag (17); Jealous!Lou after hearing that Debbie slept with other women after Lou left ten years before (16); and safeword use (21). I hope you enjoy the fic! Let me know what you think on here or on Tumblr :)
> 
> The events in this story take place right after my first Loubbie fic, "Diamonds, Rust, and Opals."

**Summer 2018**

It was always going to be Debbie who proposed. Sure, Lou was the one who made jokes about it, who made sure the topic came up, because Debbie would never think of something like that on her own. It had been on her radar for years, ever since Debbie went to prison and Lou realized she loved her. 

_“Oh, honey, is this a proposal?”_

_“Baby, I don’t have a diamond, yet.”_

Lou relished the banter, initiated it, most of the time. All of it was calculated, honed and perfected so that when the time came, Debbie would know she would say yes. Lou knew that Debbie liked predictability and hated surprises. She had to be the one to ask.

And she did, when she was ready, when she had a ring – not a diamond, that was too obvious and superficial. Opals and gold, multi-faceted and iridescent. Lou wasn’t much of a diamond girl anyways. The ring fit perfectly, caught the dawn sunlight the next morning as Lou blinked her eyes open to remember, with a flood of warmth, that last night hadn’t been a dream, that Debbie had found her courage at last. Lou watched the light play on the gems, bringing out the green, the pink, the blue, her hand resting on Debbie’s back. She was sprawled across Lou’s chest with her head pillowed on Lou’s left shoulder and her legs framing Lou’s right thigh. Her hair was gathered into a messy braid that curved over her shoulder and tickled Lou’s ribs. Her back was a tempting expanse of smooth skin, golden in the sunlight, cool and soft. Her beauty matched the birdsong outside the window.

Lou felt a silly grin spread across her face, but it was wiped away a second later by an unbidden swell of unease. It had prickled at the corners of her mind yesterday, too, even before Debbie had popped the question: too good to be true, too good to last. _I don’t deserve this_ , Lou thought. There had been others, after she left New York ten years ago, and then more when Debbie went to prison and she returned to their empty Brooklyn apartment to teeter on the brink of hopelessness. Loving Debbie hadn’t stopped her from those mistakes, from losing herself. And no matter how real the present was – the hard cash trickling into their bank accounts from the Met job, the “I love you”s she whispered in Debbie’s ear, the way Debbie wrapped around her in return – Lou still feared that a part of her had been lost forever in the years apart. She felt guilty, like an imposter, afraid that Debbie was loving a version of her that didn’t exist. And what if she found out one day that Lou wasn’t what she expected her to be? What if…?

“You’re thinking very loudly.” Debbie’s voice came out muffled by Lou’s skin and raspy from sleep.

“Mm,” Lou acknowledged her but didn’t go on, didn’t shift her position. She felt paralyzed. Debbie seemed to sense – perhaps by Lou’s racing heart – that something was wrong. 

“Baby?” she asked, turning her head to prop her chin near Lou’s collarbone. It hurt a little, sharp pressure that Lou relished because it reminded her that she was, in fact, _inside_ her own body.

“Nothing.” Lou drew a shuddering breath and tried to smile. She knew she had failed by the look of confusion in Debbie’s eyes.

“ _Lou_.” Debbie didn’t cajole her for her obvious lie, of that Lou was glad, but her tone was still sharp.

Lou winced. “You’re sure you want this with me?” she asked quietly. It felt wrong to say it. Her heart was racing, and her hands felt clammy. She shifted them against Debbie’s back, curling and uncurling her fingers anxiously.

Debbie raised her head from Lou’s chest, swept the fly-away hairs off her forehead, and glared at her. “Lou…” she said again, and this time it was a reprimand, an attempt to call to Lou from across a gulf of self-absorption and guilt. Lou could recognize it as such, wanted to reach out and cross the abyss. She felt disgusted with herself that she couldn’t shake her unease. Debbie was here, wasn’t she? What more could Lou ask of her?

“I fucked other people, Debbie,” she said through gritted teeth. “I _fucked_ them and I drank and I took…well, it doesn’t matter what I took, but I did all of that when I could have been visiting you, when I should have _told_ you. I…”

“Told me what?”

Lou was taken aback and stared at Debbie in disbelief. “That I love you.”

“Oh, that,” Debbie said, brushing off Lou’s words. “But I _know_ that now, don’t I? And what would that have looked like, baby?” Debbie’s voice was growing colder, more monotone – less _Debs_ , more _Deborah_.

“What?”

Debbie sighed; whatever energy had been building in her body, forcing her up off of Lou’s chest and onto her knees, seemed to go out of her in a rush of defeat. She collapsed beside Lou and turned away from her. “I wasn’t ready to hear it, Lou,” she muttered. “I was selfish and too caught up in my own head. Besides…” She laughed humorlessly. “…I believed that what I did was worse than…well, _any_ thing.”

Lou scoffed but said nothing.

“Claude Becker,” Debbie spat. “You know the worst bit?”

“No,” Lou admitted, “I don’t. You never really—”

“I _wanted_ to fall for him.”

The thought made Lou’s stomach grow cold, but the way Debbie said it piqued her interest nonetheless. “Why?” she asked sourly.

“Because I thought it would make my life easier.”

“How could you possibly—?” 

“Because it was always easy with _you_ , baby, but you were gone. And…” Debbie closed her eyes and bit her lip. She shook her head once as if trying to forget something unpleasant.

“And?” Lou prompted.

“And I didn’t know when you’d be coming back.”

Ice was filling Lou’s stomach against her will. She could barely look at Debbie, couldn’t begin to cope with what Debbie was implying, that it was Lou’s fault all along. “I told you I’d come back,” Lou said, almost to herself. She couldn’t face her own faults, so she may as well focus on Debbie’s. She was always so dramatic, so unnecessarily independent. “You didn’t even call to _ask_ me.”

“I _couldn’t_ , Lou,” Debbie insisted. She sounded tortured, as if she’d had this argument many times before. “You were living your life, doing what you wanted, and don’t try to tell me you weren’t. I don’t begrudge you that, baby. I don’t. But you can’t blame me for a few hook-ups, or for Claude, when you were—”

“Fucking other women?” Lou said with a grimace. She regretted those encounters more than she regretted the ones during Debbie’s sentence. 

“Well, yes,” Debbie said. “So what, if I was, too. You know as well as I do that it didn’t mean anyth—”

“You fucked other women?” Lou interrupted her. Debbie’s brow furrowed. She looked confused again, unsure. It was uncharacteristic, and Lou didn’t like it, but she couldn’t take back her words or explain why Debbie’s answer mattered so much.

“Yeah,” Debbie said at last, slowly and cautiously. “I did.”

Lou felt hot tears behind her eyes. She couldn’t explain to herself why it mattered, couldn’t begin to unpack the flood of discomfort. She knew that Debbie had been with men. Somehow, while that still irked her and made her skin itch and Claude made her nauseous, the idea that Debbie had fucked other women struck a different chord.

“Oh, Lou, it was always going to be you in the end. You _know_ that. I—” Debbie reached out for her hand, but Lou moved hers away. She couldn’t think rationally, couldn’t reckon with anything except the tightness in her chest and the adrenaline in her blood. She pushed the blankets off herself, feeling horribly self-conscious of her nakedness, even in front of Debbie, which only pushed her panic further towards bursting out of every pore.

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” she stammered, throwing on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. Debbie didn’t try to stop her, just sat there on the bed, naked and beautiful and _so fucking stalwart_. She was chewing her lip and a muscle was twitching in her jaw, but her eyes were calm, as if she understood something Lou didn’t. Lou choked on a sob as she left the room, swept down the stairs, and slammed the front door behind her.

**

Lou watched the sun rise properly. She wandered along the boardwalk, trying not to look at anyone or anything, but becoming increasingly fixated on the waves crashing on the beach. The dark blue water called to her. It reminded her of Debbie. Walking on the sand was uncomfortable in her leather boots, but Lou didn’t remove them, just stumbled onwards until the hard-pack, where the waves crashed, sank in perfect prints under her feet. Guilt tore at her throat and tasted like bile. Her stomach churned. Her own strength and poise were always a persona, always a façade that threatened to crack. When it did, _this_ was what remained. And what was she? Bitter, cunning, a fraud, never enough for the one person who Lou would die for, who would die for her. Lou inhaled. She couldn’t deny Debbie’s love for her, nor her love for Debbie. Those were facts as solid and unyielding as the tides. Lou exhaled and let the tears fall at last. She wasn’t jealous, not really, not when she really thought about. She grieved their time apart, searched desperately for someone to blame. She couldn’t blame Debbie because that was illogical. She hadn’t forced Lou to leave. But every time she blamed herself, a voice at the back of her mind that sounded uncannily like Debbie, told her to stop. Lou inhaled again. No one to blame then, and so the grief, the hurt, the unfairness of it all built inside her until she lashed out at Debbie, at herself. Lou exhaled.

An hour later with a double shot of straight espresso running hot and giddy in her veins, she found herself at the club. Mere hours ago, it had been full of people, just like on every other Thursday night, but now, on Friday morning, it was empty. Lou felt as though the echoes of the party-goers remained – the backbeat, the yells, the clink of bottles. Her office behind the bar was a refuge, somewhere she knew she could lurk without doing anything stupid. It steadied her. She unlocked the door with trembling fingers and shoved it open with her shoulder.

“You’re very predictable,” said a familiar voice. Lou jumped and then sighed. The chair behind her desk spun around to reveal Debbie, legs crossed, make-up and hair impeccable, in a pair of black pants and a white blouse. Lou stood frozen in the doorway as her body fought with itself, trying to decide which emotion it was feeling. There was a flash of annoyance, a wave of relief, the clenching, unpleasant sensation of resignation, the warm glow of standing in Debbie’s presence again.

“How’d you get in?” Lou asked. Debbie rolled her eyes. Lou almost smiled. A few locked doors were nothing to an Ocean. “Why…?” she began but trailed off. She hadn’t thought through her apology, hadn’t let the frustration run its course yet. All she knew was that she wasn’t interested in hurting her anymore, which was a relief at present.

Debbie shifted forward in the chair and crossed her arms on the top of Lou’s desk. “I don’t like when you leave like that,” she said frankly.

Lou winced. “I think it would have been worse if I’d stayed, never know what’s going to come out of my mouth.” Debbie shook her head and sighed. She looked Lou up and down, as though she could read everything about what she was feeling in her posture and her clothes and her muddy boots. Debbie wasn’t good with her own feelings, but she could read Lou’s to a T. It was unnerving, but Lou stayed silent.

“I know it wasn’t really about me sleeping with other women. But if it makes you feel better, there were only two or three, and it made me sad, so I stopped,” Debbie told her. She was matter-of-fact, but not unkind.

Lou shrugged. “I suppose.”

“Ten years is a long time,” Debbie went on quietly. “You know I’ve changed. I wouldn’t have been able to give you that if I hadn’t.” She gestured to the opal ring on Lou’s finger. Lou felt a lump rise in her throat, but she said nothing. “I know you’ve changed, too,” Debbie said, softer now.

Lou closed her eyes. “I…made mistakes.” She heard Debbie scoff.

“As did I. Do you want an annotated list?”

Lou felt her lip twitch in spite of herself. She opened her eyes.

“Bet you can’t guess number one,” Debbie said through a smirk.

Lou’s half-hearted smile turned to a grimace. “I prefer to think about _him_ as little as possible,” she said. 

Debbie frowned as though she hadn’t expected Lou’s reply. “Oh, baby, he’s not important enough to even make the top three. Of course, I _thought_ he was, for a long time. But…” She shrugged, sat back in the chair, and spun it back and forth, eyes darting over Lou’s face. There was a curious mixture of regret, teasing, and curiosity in her expression.

“Okay,” Lou said, throwing up her hands in surrender, “I’ll bite. What’s number one?”

“Letting you leave – no, I’m not done!” Debbie held up a finger to tell Lou to wait. Lou closed her mouth and swallowed her interruption. “Letting you leave without me,” Debbie said.

“You didn’t want to c—”

“Ten years, Lou. Do you know how many times I’ve kicked myself for letting you drive away without finding the words…” She swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut. “The words to say…” She trailed off again, but her eyes flew open and gazed at Lou with fierce determination. “The words to say I _love_ you?”

Lou felt tears behind her eyes again. She sniffed and rubbed the back of her hand under her nose. The tears welled and burnt the corners of her eyes, trailed sticky remnants down her cheeks until suddenly, Debbie was in front of her, and her fingertips were cool and soft against Lou’s flesh.

“You loved me?” Lou asked as Debbie wiped her tears, which were refusing to stop falling. “Back then, too?”

Debbie nodded. “I think so. I just didn’t know what I was feeling, you know? I wasn’t young, but I was still stupid.”

Lou gave a watery laugh. “We both were.”

“I wanted _you_ , Lou. It didn’t matter who I was fucking – women, men – they weren’t _you._ I never brought them home, I never stayed the night, because when it was over, I never wanted to.”

“Even with Claude?” Lou asked, not sure she wanted to hear the answer.

Debbie sighed and looked a bit sick. “He was…different. I thought he couldn’t fool me, and I worked him like a mark, even though we _were_ partners.”

Lou felt a sob threaten to burst from her throat, but she breathed hard through her nose and let it drag itself to death on the back of her tongue, unheard.

“Still,” Debbie went on, steadily and seriously, “I never asked him to come over. We always met at his place, or in hotels when we were working. _Our_ bed…” She gestured between herself and Lou. “… in that crummy apartment was still ours. I _missed_ you.” Her voice was suddenly full of candor. “I missed you _so much_ , baby.”

The sob escaped this time, pulled from Lou’s chest before she could stop it. She let her head fall to Debbie’s shoulder, and Debbie’s arms curved around her, warm and close. She was home.

“You missed me, too, I know,” Debbie whispered.

Lou nodded against her and drew a shaky deep breath. Debbie kissed her hair, her temple, pulled back just enough to pepper kisses over Lou’s tear streaked face. She hovered over Lou’s lips for a moment, brushing them with her own. Lou took another deep breath that turned to a gasp as Debbie kissed her, rough and salty. It took a moment for her to respond, surprised by Debbie’s ferocity – not because it was different from what she was feeling, but rather, because it was utterly the same. Lou groaned and kissed back, pushed her blindly towards the nearest wall until they collided with the hard cinder blocks. Debbie relaxed against her, and Lou felt her smile. She felt self-control and perspective flowing back into her veins as she licked over Debbie’s neck and sucked on her earlobe. The rhythm of Debbie’s moans was an addictive stimulant, urging Lou to press further, to push harder. The marks she left on Debbie’s neck were dark purple in the single fluorescent strip-light of Lou’s office.

“I have an idea, baby,” Debbie whispered – _gasped_ , rather between pants as she ground down onto Lou’s thigh with Lou’s fingers tugging at her belt.

“Mm?” Lou didn’t remove her lips from Debbie’s skin, now nibbling on her collarbone. Gently, Debbie reached down and disentangled Lou’s eager fingers from her clothes. Lou whined in protest, but released her grip all the same. 

“Take me home, Lou,” Debbie said seriously. She kissed Lou’s cheek. “Tie me up,” she added, so nonchalant that Lou almost didn’t register the meaning of the words.

She pulled her face away from Debbie’s chest, keeping her hands steady on her hips. “What?”

“You need to remember I’m yours,” Debbie elaborated. “Unless you don’t w—”

“I want to,” Lou interrupted. Her ears were ringing; she nuzzled her face back into Debbie’s neck. “Want to make you feel good.”

**

Lou had to admit that the ball gag was an unexpected addition. Debbie always had a knack of surprising her, and perhaps the most surprising thing was how pretty Lou thought she looked with the gag in her mouth and soft black silk ropes tied to her wrists and ankles. Her knees were bent and spread wide, and her arms stretched above her head. She looked incredibly pleased with herself, eyes twinkling at Lou.

“Two blinks and a shake of the head if you want me to untie you, okay?” Lou asked. “Blink or nod for yes, right.”

Debbie blinked and nodded.

“Good.” Lou leaned over her and kissed her cheek. She felt Debbie twitch as her clothes brushed against Debbie’s bare skin.

Lou started with her arms. She straddled Debbie’s chest and leaned over her face. Every so often, she rolled her hips against her, just to take the edge off the arousal in her blood. Seeing Debbie like this made it easy for Lou to lose control, which was ironic, because it was the fact that Debbie was handing over her control to Lou that was so special. The insides of Debbie’s wrists and elbows were particularly sensitive, and it didn’t take much pressure for Lou to nibble dark red splotches onto them, making sure each side matched. The muffled moans that Debbie made against her chest told her that she was doing well. Debbie’s arms were lean and muscular, and having them stretched above her head like this exposed the edges of muscles that were perfect for sinking her teeth into. Lou traced the line of each bicep with her tongue, over her shoulder, and up to her ear, before biting none-too-gently just above each armpit. Debbie breathed heavily through her nose and a whimper escaped from her throat. Lou smiled.

She skipped Debbie’s neck for now, directing her attention to her legs instead. The view from between Debbie’s knees was the most sensual sight in the world, as far as Lou was concerned, and she had to concentrate very hard on her task to stop herself from getting distracted and moving directly to Debbie’s breasts or her cunt. She was already wet, and her swollen skin looked softer than ever, but as Lou felt Debbie twitch after a sharp bite on her calf, she knew she could hold out. Debbie’s responsiveness was addicting. Lou worked a pattern of bites onto Debbie’s thighs, felt her own arousal throb between her legs as she breathed in Debbie’s scent. As Lou’s mouth moved steadily upwards, Debbie tilted her hips towards her as much as she could with her bound limbs, clearly searching for Lou’s tongue.

Lou chuckled. “So eager.”

She sank her teeth into Debbie’s thigh, pressing until her muscles rippled. She pulled away to see the imprints of her teeth in Debbie’s flesh, showing up white like scars. Lou ran her thumb over them, satisfied. Debbie whined through her nose.

“Sh,” Lou soothed. She repositioned herself over Debbie and stroked her hair back from her eyes. “We’ll get there, don’t worry.”

Debbie blinked and nodded.

“Good girl.”

Debbie’s eyelids fluttered at the praise.

Lou let her gaze fall from Debbie’s eyes, to her mouth, to her neck – long and taut. Debbie swallowed with difficulty behind the gag, and her throat moved. Lou bent her head and licked it slowly, tracing the rigid muscles and tendons, the hard line of her jaw. Goosebumps rose on Debbie’s skin. The thought of what she was doing to her filled Lou with gratitude and euphoria. A coil of electricity twisted and burst in her stomach, making her swoon. She felt a groan escape her own throat, and she shifted to straddle Debbie and rocked against her hips. She could feel herself getting wetter under her sweatpants and boxers.

“You’re mine,” Lou whispered against Debbie’s ear. Debbie shivered and arched her back, pressing up into Lou.

Lou bit and sucked down Debbie’s neck, lingering when she reached the join of her shoulder, which was always sensitive. Lou worked the skin between her teeth as Debbie writhed, and when she was finished, the mark stood out purple and red against Debbie’s skin. Debbie was panting as Lou pulled away.

“Mine,” Lou said again. She caressed Debbie’s cheek.

Debbie blinked and nodded, blinked and nodded.

Lou smiled and kissed her forehead before working a matching pattern of hickeys down the other side of her neck. Debbie’s chest rose and fell rapidly, almost frantically. But Lou knew she loved this type of torture – drawing it out, making her wait. It hadn’t been easy for Debbie to ask for it, but once she did – years ago, now – Lou had found it very difficult to make things quick, preferred to wait until Debbie was at the point of begging. She sat back on her heels between Debbie’s thighs and looked down at her. Debbie’s nipples were already swollen and pink, drawing Lou in. Lou’s mouth watered as she looked at them. There was a smug twinkle in Debbie’s eye as Lou looked up at her face once more, and that was enough for Lou to dive in with a rumbling noise like a growl catching in her throat. It was taking more and more effort to take her time. She took a deep breath to steady herself, exhaled cool air over Debbie’s right nipple and watched it harden. She closed her lips around it slowly, sensually, let her tongue swirl in firm circles. Debbie hummed a moan, eyes closed, head tipped back. Lou moved her hand up Debbie’s opposite side as she worked her nipple with her mouth. Her fingers traced over the scar under her left breast, knotted and rough. Lou felt a familiar lump in her throat. _You couldn’t protect her_. Lou pressed her palm tightly over the scar. _I can_ now _,_ she insisted to herself. A sense of resolve threatened to burst from her chest. There were always risks, but it felt different now that Debbie was home, now that they weren’t dancing around each other endlessly.

Lou took less time on Debbie’s left nipple, though she made sure to give the scar ample attention. Lou didn’t know much about it, but she knew Debbie hated it. Scars were identifiers, and Debbie had gone almost five decades without any of note. Lou was glad, for Debbie’s sake, that it was in a place she could easily hide. She was _not_ glad that said hidden place was also dangerously close to Debbie’s vital organs. Lou didn’t like being reminded of how close she had come to losing her. She kissed over the knotted skin, working mark after mark over and around it as Debbie gazed down at her through heavy-lidded eyes.

Lou slid herself down the bed, adding a few more bites along Debbie’s ribs, stomach, and hips. At last, she reached her destination and nuzzled her nose into dark, well-trimmed curls. Blood rushed in Lou’s ears at the smell of Debbie’s arousal. She paused for a moment, sought Debbie’s gaze with her own. Debbie rolled her eyes at her and tilted her hips towards Lou’s mouth. Lou grinned and wrapped her arms around Debbie’s upper thighs, holding her in place as she ducked her head and sucked Debbie’s folds into her mouth. Her flavor coated Lou’s tongue, and she moaned.

“God, you taste good. All for me,” she murmured, before licking over her in earnest. Debbie writhed and a string of muffled moans came from her throat. She knew each perfect angle, each spot that would have made Debbie swear, if she could. _You know her_ , Lou told herself, _and she knows you_. _You’re okay._ She knew it was true. Debbie’s muscles strained, and Lou gripped her tighter. She kept her eyes on Debbie’s face, mesmerized by the flutter of Debbie’s eyelashes. Debbie came with a rush of liquid on Lou’s tongue, clenching down as Lou licked into her. Lou panted against her and laughed softly. She closed her eyes.

**

When she opened her eyes once more, mere seconds had passed. But in that time, a wave of panic had engulfed Lou. Debbie was calmly looking down at her, eyes hazy with release, a little bit of saliva coating her lips around the gag. Her limbs were heavy. But no, it wasn’t right, not anymore. Debbie’s brow creased as she looked at Lou, sensing something was wrong, something Lou couldn’t name. She needed Debbie back, all of her, but especially her _voice_.

“White,” Lou gasped. It was Debbie’s safeword. Through the paralysis of fear, she flung out a hand and pulled the gag from Debbie’s mouth. The side of her finger nail caught on Debbie’s lip, and she saw a cut appear there, dark red against Debbie’s flushed lips.

“Lou…” Debbie struggled against the ropes.

Lou heard a strangled sob of distress fight its way out of her own lungs. Her fingers trembled as she struggled to undo the knot around Debbie’s right wrist. As soon as she had one hand free, Debbie hastened to help, untying her other limbs as Lou watched, helpless. It seemed to take hours, and Debbie was too far away, _too far_ , even though Lou could still taste her on her tongue.

“ _Lou,_ ” Debbie said again. “What the _fuck_ , baby?” Her tone was scared, not accusatory.

Tears blurred Lou’s vision. She shook her head. _I don’t know, I don’t know._ Tentatively, Debbie reached towards her, and Lou grasped her hand, pulled herself into Debbie’s arms. She felt cold and vulnerable, even though she was the one wearing clothes, while Debbie was naked, exposed.

“Oh, Lou, I…” Debbie buried her face in Lou’s neck. “I thought it would help. I really did. I’m—”

Lou shook her head violently, willing Debbie to stop. It _had_ helped, for a while, that was the strange thing. Where was the line? When had they crossed it? When had it become too much? All she could remember was watching Debbie come, and then her memory was hazy until the panic closed in, because Debbie couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, couldn’t…

“I’m okay,” Debbie whispered. “You made me feel so good, baby. I promise.”

Sticky tears on Debbie’s neck and the _smell_ of her still around them and the thrum of Debbie’s heart inches from Lou’s ear – _too much, not enough_. _Breathe._ She tried to.

Debbie’s chest rose against her. “That’s it, baby, it’s okay.” She kept saying it, over and over. Lou felt herself shaking, but she matched her breaths to Debbie’s nonetheless.

It might have been hours or minutes, she couldn’t tell, but suddenly, she felt blank. The panic was gone, the fear was tamed. She was floating – weightless, formless.

“Come back, Lou.”

Lou heard a shuddering breath from her own seemingly detached lungs.

“You’re mine, baby. Come back.” Debbie’s tone was firm, and Lou couldn’t argue with it. She took a deep breath and willed the oxygen into her brain. She blinked, and Debbie’s face swam into view.

“Hey,” she rasped.

Debbie smiled. “Hey.”

A wave of guilt crashed over Lou. She had messed up Debbie’s plan. All Debbie had wanted was to make Lou feel better, and now she was feeling worse than ever. Lou opened her mouth to apologize.

“Don’t,” Debbie said sharply.

“What?”

“It’s not your fault, baby.”

“Isn’t it?” Lou shot back sullenly.

Debbie rolled her eyes. “ _No_ , and you know that,” she chastised.

Lou smiled weakly. “I don't know what happened,” she admitted. Her eyes darted over Debbie’s face and focused on the bloody cut on her lip. “I hurt you,” she said, touching her thumb to the cut. “I’m sorry.”

Debbie shook her head. “It’s just a cut.” She licked her lip, and Lou didn’t remove her thumb, let Debbie’s tongue move over her skin.

“Your mouth,” Lou muttered.

Debbie sucked Lou’s thumb into her mouth, and Lou groaned, overwhelmed by the relief she felt at that simple act.

She smiled again, more genuinely. “I missed your mouth.”

Debbie released Lou’s thumb and leaned towards her, lips hovering an inch from Lou’s own. “May I?” Debbie asked.

“Please.”

The kiss couldn’t have been more different than the one in Lou’s office. Lou found herself on her back in the bed with Debbie on top of her, moving over her like soothing water. Debbie’s hands didn’t wander; they stayed cupping Lou’s face, stroking the tear streaks. Lou’s eyes stung – too much crying today, and it wasn’t even eleven o’clock. Debbie let her entire weight rest on Lou, and Lou was grateful. The pressure seemed to squeeze the doubt from her soul, seemed to press her back into her body where she belonged. Debbie tasted like black tea, which she must have drunk before going to find Lou at the club. Lou could taste the blood from her cut, too. The iron tang threatened to turn her stomach, but then Lou remembered that she was actually tasting _Debbie,_ and the thought calmed her. Debbie’s tongue swiped across Lou’s upper lip, probing, and Lou opened her mouth with a gasp. Soft, sweet, solid – she was _everything_.

A long time later, Debbie finally moved her hands, held herself above Lou and pressed a palm down Lou’s chest to the hem of her shirt. She tugged at the fabric. “Can we take this off?” she asked against Lou’s mouth.

Lou nodded as vigorously as she could between Debbie and the mattress. “Yeah.” Lou tried to help her, but her limbs were heavy.

Debbie made quick work of the shirt and gasped as her skin brushed Lou’s. “Oh.”

“Mm.” It was all Lou could manage before Debbie’s mouth covered hers again. She wrapped her arms around Debbie’s back, trailed her fingers down her spine. Debbie shivered and arched into the touch. Lou let one hand fall to her own waist and tugged on her sweatpants. “These too,” she murmured breathlessly into Debbie’s mouth.

“Sure?”

“Please, Debbie.”

Naked beneath her, Lou felt whole for the first time in hours. Debbie was still kissing her, languid and relaxed, but Lou kissed back now, a little more firmly. Debbie hummed an approval in her throat and matched Lou’s enthusiasm. She tugged her lower lip into her mouth, sucking and nibbling. Electricity raced through Lou’s blood. She wanted more, and after feeling detached for so long, she was _desperate._ She rolled her hips into Debbie, pressed herself against her so firmly, she almost pushed Debbie off her entirely.

“You feel so good,” Lou whispered, breaking the kiss at last to breathe the words into Debbie’s ear.

Debbie chuckled. “Welcome back.”

“Shut up and _fuck_ me, Deborah.” Lou didn’t know where the authority in her tone came from. She had thought – they _both_ had thought – that Lou needed her control back, that she needed to be in charge of Debbie’s pleasure to feel like herself again. Instead, it was quite the opposite. She needed to beg, needed to ask, needed to be reminded that Debbie _wanted_ her utterly.

Debbie shifted herself over one of Lou’s thighs, and Lou could feel how wet she was, slippery against her skin. Lou almost commented on it, but then Debbie’s knee pressed against her own arousal, and Lou moaned, finding herself to be just as slippery and eager. Debbie’s lips found hers again, demanding now, and Lou moaned. She traced the length of Debbie’s spine again, this time letting her hands trail lower to squeeze Debbie’s ass, spreading her as she rocked against Lou’s thigh. Debbie’s fingers charted white-hot sensation across Lou’s collarbone, around her left nipple, down her ribs and stomach, finally slipping between them to graze Lou’s clit. The first touch was like fire, and Lou bucked her hips instinctively, wantonly. Debbie circled her gently, let the electricity fade to thrumming heat that spread outwards in waves, before sliding lower and then _inside_ her. Lou dropped her left hand to her own thigh and pulled her leg back, opening herself to Debbie’s touch. The hand on Debbie’s ass gripped tighter, pulling and kneading at her flesh to encourage her to move, too. Debbie panted and ground down on Lou’s thigh even as she began to move her fingers. Lou felt herself nearing the edge within minutes, felt Debbie’s thighs beginning to tremble on either side of her leg and knew she was close, too.

“Can you come when I tell you to, baby?” Debbie asked, gasped the words against Lou’s cheek.

Lou rocked her hips into Debbie’s palm as best she could and felt herself teeter. “Yes,” she breathed. Debbie thrust into her in time with the roll of her hips. She was wet against Lou’s skin, so wet that Lou could have sworn she was dripping down her thigh. Lou felt herself open further for Debbie’s fingers, even as her inner muscles fluttered and clenched. Debbie’s thumb was firm against Lou’s clit, unwavering.

“Come for me,” Debbie murmured as her thighs began to tremble in earnest. Lou felt the muscles under her hand – still squeezing Debbie’s ass – ripple and contract.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Lou swore as she came, white light obscuring her vision for a moment as she pulsed around Debbie’s fingers again and again. She could feel the sweat on her skin, could hear Debbie’s whimpering moans, could smell the heady aroma of _them_. At last, Lou believed it – believed once more that she was Debbie’s, that Debbie was hers and whole. The future was bright again, defiant of the past, and everything made sense.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my wife go_get_your_top_hat for always beta-ing <3 :)
> 
> If you want to request a fic for this toybox series, please let me know in a comment on here or find me on tumblr at estel-of-irysi (I'm also on Instagram - hope_savaria).
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day! Thank you for reading.


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